It is with great regret that I announce that this column is severing its connection with Helen of Troy. I took this decision after my public relations advisers drew my attention to certain reports in Homer's Iliad. Needless to say, I was deeply distressed by Homer's allegations, which came as a complete shock to me.
I am aware that many young people look to this column for moral leadership and it would be quite wrong for it to be associated with the sort of scandalous behaviour which is salaciously reported in that epic poem. I might have overlooked this latest escapade if it had been a brief fling, but it is quite unacceptable for this section of the paper, which has campaigned tirelessly for world peace, harmony and utter niceness to be connected with a person who goes off and quite blatantly starts the Trojan War. What sort of example does that set?
It goes without saying that I am desperately sorry for Helen. Here is this lovely young girl, from Sparta of all places, the daughter of a simple god named Zeus, who is discovered, is taken up and finds instant fame which she just can't handle. Our association has benefited us both. We have had many successful launches: Helen's was the face used for my famous "Thousand Ships" launch to promote a new designer seasickness pill.
Quite frankly, I feel betrayed. After she failed to show up for the party for Fight Boredom Now, one of the charities I'm associated with, Helen contacted me and said she hadn't been able to come because of "this Paris thing".
I assumed she had an assignment at the Autumn Collections in Paris. You can imagine my feelings when I learnt that Paris was the chap she had run off with, abandoning her husband Menelaus. I felt personally let down and let down for all the volunteers who work so tirelessly for Fight Boredom Now.
I gather her new boyfriend is known as a bit of a Trojan hellraiser. He and Helen cannot be good for each other and I agree with the soothsayer Cassandra who predicts that it will all end in tears. It's a shame, because Menelaus is a decent bloke; he and I often meet at charity functions.
The thousands of teenagers who read this column tell me they find the Trojan War "a turn-off". Their instinct is right. By involving herself in this conflict, Helen has got in with the wrong crowd - not just Paris, but with the moody Achilles and with Hector, who is notorious for getting into fights.
And then there's that Trojan horse. Let me say at once that, without its reputation for total integrity, this column would be nothing. That is why I cannot be linked, even indirectly, with this kind of deception. It sends out all the wrong signals about what I am about.
Am I really going to tell the kids it's perfectly OK to go out and chop down rainforest trees and build huge hollow horses and fill them up with armed men, just to trick people?
This would cut across all the voluntary work I do for safety campaigns warning people of the dangers of carrying weapons in overcrowded dark spaces. With my links to the Trojan horse I would look a hypocrite. I couldn't do this and continue to be a patron of my local pony club. How could I look those ponies in the eye?
Helen says she has certain issues she has to deal with and, of course, this column wishes her well. Maybe, if she straightens herself out and stops getting her name in the epics for all the wrong reasons, we can renew our partnership.
Meanwhile I am delighted to announce that I have chosen a new beauty to be the face of this column. This one has rather less "baggage". Her name is Cleopatra and I'll be introducing her to the media at a glamorous bash next week in the Reptile House at London Zoo.
... clearly this is one of those things where those of us on this side of the pond don't have sufficient info to get the joke. Can someone fill us in?